The F-Word

Well it is December 31st 2015, and publishing my blog has been on my bucket list for this entire year. Last New Year’s eve I spent the evening creating a Vision Board and on it I declared a goal of launching a blog. That poster board has been on my wall all year, and I look at it every morning. I have accomplished almost everything on it, except this! The reason I hadn’t tackled it until it until now is simply due to a four letter word that I’ve let stand in my way: FEAR. I have been allowing Fear to rule me, providing an easy excuse not to share my stories, feelings, dreams, wisdom and experience; choosing instead to stay safe in the cocoon of my own mind.

Until today! So what differentiates today from all the other 364 days that have gone by since last New Years? Well, I can definitely consider a few factors that have shifted since that time but that is a whole other blog post. Coming soon I promise! Maybe it’s also the fact that I like to follow through on commitments? I have a few sacred friends who are holding me accountable to this 😉

Despite the changes through this year, one thing that still remains inside me as I write this post tonight is’ The Fear’…yup, she’s still there! However, there is also a little more Trust alive inside with yet another year under my belt. I do suspect that Trust is a main ingredient to this blog’s actualization.

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What is it that paralyzes me? Is it the fear of judgment, the worry that no one will read it? Or the concern that it won’t be just right….ah, yes, the preposterous perfectionism that has bullied me throughout much of my life is what emerges from the dark scary corner. What if it’s no good? What if I get kickback from people or questions? What happens if I share my opinions, experience and MY truth with the world??? This last point is a skill I am just getting familiar with doing, and is fast becoming a daily practice for me.

This inspiring quote was read to me by one of my amazing mentors this year, in the spirit of helping me reflect on how small I live at times, how much there is to step ‘IN’ to, and how holding back can actually be a rather selfish place to live from.

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Although I have heard (and LOVED) this quote a million times, it resonated a little differently with me this particular time. Holding oneself hostage, shackled by fear, is a surefire way to never live up to your potential, and certainly won’t allow you to offer your greatest service/talent/skill/heart possible to the world, or the people in your life who might be the most moved by that very potential. I see how living small keeps us disconnected, it keeps us from allowing ourselves to shine and therefore we are unable to see or support others to shine as brightly as they were designed to.

It’s quite liberating to consider that in giving myself permission, I automatically unshackle everyone else too…that is powerful don’t you think? THAT, is what motivates me. The sincere desire burning inside to help others, to provide a flashlight for the dark times, so we may illuminate one another and see more clearly what holds us hostage, what keeps us suffering.

And as I am speaking here about Shining and coming in to our brightest light, don’t misunderstand me, this illumination business puts a sharp spotlight on the darkness too. Our shadowy side, the side that most of us keep hidden from others, (and likely even from ourselves), exists with as much reality as our brightest moments. In my experience, the more we resist this shadowy Self, the more energy is required to Shine, and the authenticity seems to get lost in the mix, although the effort feels so sincere at times.

With that awareness, The Fear gets a great revival. To Shine, we have to acknowledge and get Real with our Shadow. She requires acknowledgment too, and I can feel how my Shadow is so often barricaded by Fear. And yet, the True emergence of her brings relief, vulnerability, rawness- Freedom. I guess that’s why some say “Freedom ain’t free”; for me, the fee is in the Fear.

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I have spent a lot of life working on shining bright. I spent a lot of years developing my ‘positivity’ muscles, and I believed that negative ones were wrong and bad. I even earned myself the nickname ‘Sunshine’ when I worked at my one and only Union job, barf. (Which for the record, I hated.)

In the last year, my understanding of my identity has shifted. My being, and what is important to me has changed significantly for various reasons. What this year has opened up for me is the Truth that for me to really Shine, I have to share myself with the world; not just the nice, fluffy, and light filled parts of me, but the dark, stormy, ucky mucky muddy parts too. I have to Trust that my Whole Self is worth putting on the line, because at the end of it all-We are connected. By giving myself permission to show up, scared and all, I give you ALL permission to do the same. And as I build Trust and Love inwardly in the process, I give it outwardly and honour it all the more.

To me, THAT is worth the shakey quakey feeling in my fingertips as I publish this first post!!

Deep gratitude to You all, and Happy New Year!

From my Fierce Heart to yours~
Lindsay